STUPIDHEAD!
by Katherine Cullen and Britta Johnson
Please note:
The following transcript is for audiences of Stupidhead!‘s live audio broadcast who will get more out of their experience by following along with a written text. The material is copyrighted and not to be copied or shared, privately or publicly.
A few other things:
• Before the show begins, there is a musical overture, followed by introductory remarks and a land acknowledgement.
• Also: the show is happening LIVE! So sometimes there are improvised sections, and sometimes the audio won’t follow the script precisely. We’ve tried to indicate improvised sections where we can.
• Also also: having trouble finding your place during the show? Just hit “Edit > Find” in your browser menu, and type in the sentence you just heard!
Audio Script, July 2021
INTRODUCTION
*Improv: Show Intro
KATHERINE: Hello and welcome to Stupidhead!: The audio experience. I’m Katherine Cullen.
BRITTA: And I’m Britta Johnson. And we are broadcasting to you live from Wychwood Barns, Ontario, Canada.
KATHERINE: Double vaxxed and quite relaxed! And we are so excited for you to be joining us.
BRITTA: We are SO excited to be in the same room! We’re best friends and it’s been a long time.
KATHERINE: Indeed it has. We have done this show many times before, but we wanted to deliver it to you in these trying times and our many international fans. And we wanted to do it in a way that was safe, especially at a time when travel is quite reasonably discouraged.
BRITTA: So, we thought a live audio broadcast like the times of yore. Storytelling before TikTok.
KATHERINE: Exactly. Now, I should mention to all of you out there that I can’t really sing. But that’s great, because you’ll notice that works quite well with the theme of the show and makes an audio only version particularly adventurous and raw.
BRITTA: Fortunately, Katherine is surrounded by very talented people. I will be accompanying her on the piano, and providing a one woman laugh track. Meghan Speakman, our stage manager is here, as well as Adam Sakiyama our audio engineer. Everyone’s looking fabulous.
KATHERINE: So cuddle up around your wifi signal, grab a bevvy and some snacks, buckle up your earbuds, and get ready for an audio odyssey.
BRITTA: Ok Katherine, it’s time to do the show.
KATHERINE: Do we have to? I really like just chatting.
BRITTA: We are obligated to do the show I think.
KATHERINE: You’re right.
BOTH: Stupidhead!: The Musical.
OPENING
SONG: HERE I AM
WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND QUITE DYSLEXIC
I NEVER FELT I COULD BELONG
I WOULD ALWAYS GET IN TROUBLE
ALWAYS GET THE ANSWERS WRONG
WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND QUITE DYSLEXIC
IT WAS AS IF MY TONGUE WAS TIED
AND ALL MY AWFUL IMPERFECTIONS
MADE ME COWER AWAY AND HIDE
BUT THOSE DAYS ARE OVER NOW
I AM DIFFERENT THAN BEFORE
I WILL CELEBRATE MYSELF
I’M NOT A VICTIM ANYMORE
AND NOBODY IS PERFECT
AND IT’S TIME FOR ME TO SOAR
HEAR ME ROAR
HERE I AM
READY TO SING MY SONG
READY TO SPREAD MY WINGS
READY TO FLY
HERE I AM
SO WHAT IF I GET IT WRONG?
SO WHAT IF I’M UNPREPARED?
NO ONE WILL DIE
THIS IS ART ART IS HARD
I AM LETTING DOWN MY GUARD
I’M NOT JULIE FREAKING ANDREWS
AND FRANKLY I DON’T GIVE A DAMN
HERE I AM
Hello everyone, welcome to my musical. I love musicals. The only problem is I have no training or natural ability. So that’s a thing. It’s definitely an obstacle. But it’s going to be ok because I asked my genius friend Britta to help me write some songs about my struggles, and she did. And now I’m in a musical and I’m realizing my dream. I’m not insane, I do realize that this is hard and some people train for years and I don’t really know what pitch is, but so what, so what, I’m not Lin-Manuel Miranda whatever. It’s fine this musical is about failure, my failures, it’s about embracing that failure, it’s meta, it’s meta. So yeah!
HERE I AM
READY TO BARE IT ALL
READY TO STRUT MY STUFF
READY TO DANCE
HERE I AM
READY TO SCREAM OUT LOUD
READY TO STAND UP PROUD
AND TAKE A CHANCE
I AM HERE
I’VE BEGUN
IT’S MY TIME BENEATH THE SUN
I HAVE DONE MY VOCAL WARMUPS
SO YOU’LL LIKE ME AND WON’T THINK THAT I’M A SHAM
HERE I AM!
Oh, before I get ahead of myself, I should probably explain, just how my dyslexia affects my strange little brain. A little neuroscience, if you please.
OK THERE ARE SO MANY PARTS OF THE BRAIN
WORKING TOGETHER TO KEEP YOU SANE
BUT WE’LL DISCUSS THE SPOT
THAT I’VE BEEN TAUGHT
IS RESPONSIBLE FOR MY PAIN
THE PARIETAL LOBE IS THE NAME
AND REASONING IS THE GAME
IT’S HELPS YOU WITH LEFT AND RIGHT
AND LEARNING BY SIGHT
AND LIVING WITHOUT ANY SHAME
IT HELPS YOU WITH READING AND WRITING
SUCCEEDING AT SCHOOL
KNOWING DIRECTIONS AND BEING COOL
MAKING CONNECTIONS AND MAKING THE PIECES FIT
BUT WHEN YOU HAVE DYSLEXIA ALL THAT GOES TO SHIT.
GOT IT? GOOD.
NOW I SHOULD SAY MINE SPECIFICALLY DID NOT AFFECT MY READING
I HAD A SPECIAL DIAGNOSIS THAT HAD MORE TO DO WITH MATH
IT HAD MORE TO DO WITH THINGS LIKE SPATIAL REASONING AND NUMBERS
BUT I STILL DID NOT EXACTLY HAVE A CLEAR AND EASY PATH.
But more on that later.
HERE I AM
THIS IS MY MUSICAL
THIS IS MY TIME TO SHINE
I’VE FINALLY ARRIVED
HERE I AM
NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW
I HAVE DYSLEXIA AND I SURVIVED
HERE I AM
THE SONG ISN’T OVER YET
I AM STILL SINGING IT
LOOK AT ME GO
HERE I AM
IT ISN’T TOO LATE TO LEAVE.
YOU CAN JUST TURN THIS OFF
AND MAKE SOME SOURDOUGH.
No really, I would understand if you wanted to do something else like, go for a walk or scroll social medes, or… yeah that’s about all there is to do. I totally get it. I would not judge you. I can just summarize the show a bit, I talk about dyslexia, I sing some songs, I learn to love myself or something, that’s it. Very typical.
HERE I AM!
A MUSICAL ABOUT DYSLEXIA?
*Improv: Doing a Musical
KATHERINE: Ok. I think that went well. Thank you for coming. How’s everyone doing, good? How are you doing Britta?
BRITTA: I’m doing really well. Excited. How are you?
KATHERINE: I’m also really excited. It is not every day that your childhood dreams come true, mine being to be in a musical which until now seemed impossible due to a few hurdles like lack of training and natural ability, but I think it’s really important not to limit yourself.
BRITTA: Was it your dream to be in a musical specifically about dyslexia?
KATHERINE: No not specifically about dyslexia, I thought it would be something more like “Cool: Girl, the Musical”
BRITTA: Oh “Cool Girl: The Musical” “Owning A Car in the City: The Musical”
KATHERINE: Right.
BRITTA: Yeah a musical about dyslexia feels pretty niche market.
KATHERINE: Yes. But, the kind of dyslexia I have is also pretty niche as well.
The thing about dyslexia is that it’s different in different people. Like different people will experience their dyslexia differently. Like cilantro. And it doesn’t always have to do with flipping letters or not being able to read. That is some people’s experience of it but not mine so much. Because I have this thing called dyscalculia. Which is a type of dyslexia.
BRITTA: What’s Dyscalculia?
KATHERINE: Dyscalculia is difficulty with linear and spatial reasoning. Which means I am horrible at math. Planning and organization are very difficult, and finding things is really hard, like finding my way around and understanding directions, I get lost constantly. Not being good at that stuff has gotten me into some major pickles for sure.
BRITTA WILL HELP THIS MUSICAL HAPPEN
Planning and organization are kind of my major issues now. I continue to have to deal with the fact that in life you sort of need to plan things out rather than just roll around bumping into things and calling that a day, which is my normal method of living.
*Improv: Asking Britta for help
KATHERINE: Like, do you remember when I asked you to work on this show with me?
BRITTA: Oh I remember.
KATHERINE: Tell our listeners all about it?
BRITTA: Katherine showed up at my house, somewhat unannounced, and said that she has an opportunity to workshop this new musical she wants to write about growing up with dyslexia, but she doesn’t have any songs, and asks if I can help. And I said sure, and I asked, “What’s your vision, what do you want the songs to sound like?” And then she sang me that song by The Crash Test Dummies, how does it go?
BOTH: (sing) SUPERMAN NEVER MADE ANY MONEY…
BRITTA: Yeah, she sang me that song from start to finish, and the then she told me that the workshop was in two days.
KATHERINE: Yep.
BRITTA: But we pulled it off.
KATHERINE: Yeah, we really did! Which was a relief. Because sometimes my issues with organization have led to embarrassing moments, like the first time I sang a song in front of people, things ended badly.
JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR IS MY FAVOURITE MUSICAL
So I went to this audition when I was eighteen for this show that was written in the medieval era. It was called Aura and had never been staged before for reasons which were clear: it was very bad.
It was a group audition for the lead, for Aura, so it wasn’t just the director watching, it was all the other young ladies auditioning for Aura too. My reading did not go well. I could read fine in my head but it was very very difficult for me to read out loud especially if I was stressed. And then the director was like, “Great Katherine, in this next scene Susan is going to read for Aura now, and you are going to stand in the corner and pretend to be a plant. Mkay?”
So then I was a plant for like half an hour, which I didn’t feel I was very good at. I just looked like a human being standing there weirdly. But during my time as a plant I started to get really freaked out because one of the other girls standing beside me who was also a plant whispered, “What song are you going to sing?” and I was like, “Song? We need a song?” and she was like, “Yes. We were supposed to prepare a song. It was in the email. I’m singing Ave Maria.” And then, I was like, “Oh no!” And I was like, “It’s cool, I know songs.” But no songs came to my head. I couldn’t remember any songs ever written, I couldn’t remember any songs. Except… for one.
(Britta plays ‘Jesus Christ Superstar’)
Now, Jesus Christ Superstar is my favourite musical. That’s just a fact about me. I do know all of the words. However, on this occasion the only song I could remember from the entire canon was the song Judas sings right before he hangs himself. (Music out) So I was like, it’s fine. I have this song, it’s very moving, I will sing it.
(Music Back in)
I began down on the ground, as Carl Anderson does in the 1973 film version directed by Norman Jewison, and I was pretending to be in the desert so I was touching sand and I was like:
I DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOVE HIM
I DON’T KNOW WHY HE MOVES ME
HE’S A MAN, HE’S JUST A MAN
HE’S NOT A KING – HE’S JUST THE SAME AS ANYONE I KNOW
HE SCARES ME SO.
And I should have stopped at –
WHEN HE’S COLD AND DEAD
WILL HE LET ME BE?
DOES HE LOVE, DOES HE LOVE ME TOO?
DOES HE CARE FOR ME? OH!
But I just didn’t have the presence of mind and in my head, I was fully in the Israeli desert. And then I was like: scrambling up rocks and taking fistfuls of sand in my hand while I sang,
MY MIND IS IN DARKNESS NOW
GOD I’M SICK I’VE BEEN USED
AND YOU KNEW ALL THE TIME GOD, GOD
I’LL NEVER KNOW WHY YOU CHOSE ME FOR YOUR CRIME
YOUR FOUL BLOODY CRIME!
YOU HAVE MURDERED ME!
MURDERED ME MURDERED ME MURDERED ME MURDERED ME MURDERED ME!
And then I mimed climbing up a tree. (Music hit) I tied a pretend rope around my neck. (Music hit) And I hanged myself for all to see. (Music hit)
And then I looked out at the rest of the room. There was complete silence and everyone was like, ‘ew’.
The director was like, “Thank you Katherine, I think I’ve seen enough”. (Music button)
POETRY COMPETITION OF 1993
KATHERINE: Hey Britta, do you remember the year 1993?
BRITTA: Not really. I was two.
KATHERINE: Ok well, it was kind of a seminal year for me.
Back in 1993, Miss Vlasic announced that there would be a school-wide poetry competition. I was very excited by this as I connected with things that I considered “oldey-timey” and for some reason I put poetry in that category. I was much like a kind of Victorian ghost: constantly getting colds, insisting on wearing dresses and passing the time sketching falling leaves and acorns.
BRITTA: How romantic.
KATHERINE: It was indeed. And melancholic.
Miss Vlasic was my grade three teacher and she was my favourite teacher. She loved art and really kind of didn’t bother teaching the other subjects which was fine with me.
No one in the class really knew what a poem was exactly and she was careful to point out that poems didn’t have to be something that rhymed, that there could be nuance and economy of thought…not exactly in those words.
So I wrote a poem called “The Wind” which didn’t rhyme at all and was sort of about life and death I think now looking back on it, it was kind of Buddhist of me. I showed it to her and she loved it. She loved it so much and she made this big deal about it, and it was chosen amongst a few other poems in the class to be entered into the competition.
This was the first time I ever thought I could be good at anything. I was so used to getting everything wrong, it was a new feeling to feel that I had gotten anything right, and it was the biggest deal of my life. I thought that since I had been selected, maybe I would win because nothing like that had ever happened to me before.
(Music in)
But sometimes life is more normal than you would like it to be. And I lost. I lost to Peter Dyakowski.
SONG: PETER DYAKOWSKI WON
PETER DYAKOWSKI WON
PETER DYAKOWSKI WON
PETER DYAKOWSKI WON T
HE POETRY COMPETITION OF 1993.
MS. VLASIC SAID, ‘RHYMING DOESN’T MATTER’
MS. VLASIC SAID TO WRITE WHAT I FEEL
MS. VLASIC SAID I WAS A POET!
BACK IN THE YEAR OF 1993.
BUT MS. VLASIC WAS A TWO-FACED LIAR
UNFORTUNATELY SHE LIED TO ME
CAUSE IN THE END RHYMING MATTERED!
AS EVIDENCED BY DYAKOWSKI.
PETER’S POEM WAS ABOUT HIS LITTLE BROTHER
AND THE FIGHTS THEY HAD WITH ONE ANOTHER
MINE WAS A METAPHOR FOR HUMAN MORTALITY…
BUT POIGNANCY BECOMES A FACELESS CASUALTY
WHEN CUTE RHYME SCHEMES HAVE TYRANNICAL SOVEREIGNTY
SO I’LL TRY FOR ALL OF ETERNITY
TO WRITE NICE RHYME SCHEMES AND EXCELLENT POETRY
TO PROVE TO EVERYONE THAT I CAN BE
JUST AS GOOD AS DYAKOWSKI,
BACK IN THE YEAR OF 1993.
Peter is not the only person with a brother. I also have one. So fuck you Peter.
When I was young, my little brother Tom and I would go to the corner store to buy treats. Did you do that Peter? Usually we would buy sour keys. Do you buy sour keys Peter? I didn’t understand how much things cost because I didn’t know what a dime was or what five cents was or 25 cents. When I would read the price of the sour keys I would have to ask my little brother if I had enough money for them because I couldn’t count my change. It was an unspoken deal between us that I would follow Tom around the store and would hold up the sour key and my change and whisper, “Do I have enough for this?” and Tom would shake his head yes or no. I never went to the corner store by myself.
I could never actually really find the corner store by myself anyway. Even though it was only a block away and around the corner, it took me years to be able to remember how to get there.
Things would just constantly feel wonky and disorienting, like there are parts of my childhood that felt like and involuntary acid trip.
COMMUNIST PUPPET THEATRE
Speaking of LSD, about 7 years ago, I decided to apprentice at a communist puppet theatre in rural Vermont. I had broken up with my boyfriend or he had sort of broken up with me by CHEATING ON ME WITH TWELVE PEOPLE. So I thought camping in the woods of Vermont with a troupe of alcoholic puppeteers would help me deal with my anger. Or at least re-direct it.
*Improv: Puppet theatre after a breakup
BRITTA: Most people just get bangs after a breakup
KATHERINE: I’m not most people
BRITTA: You chose the communist puppet theatre in rural Vermont
KATHERINE: Yes, although I don’t know that I would recommend it for getting over a breakup
In preparation for the trip I did the following planning and organization: absolutely nothing. I went to New York first to visit my friend Shannon on the way to Vermont.
Shannon was like, “Where’s your tent? You have to camp for two weeks and it doesn’t look like you have a tent.” And I was like, “No you’re right, I don’t have one. I thought I would just like, get one somehow…”
And then she was like, “Ok, well you can borrow mine.” And then I was like, “See?”
Then we went to a bar so we could drink while talking. And Shannon was like, “Did you pack toilet paper? You’re going to be in the wilderness and you’re not going to have any toilet paper.”
I was like, “No. I have no toilet paper.” And Shannon was like, “Dude, I’m going to hook you up.”
She went to the bathroom and brought back 5 rolls of toilet paper in her purse. We did this several times until I had enough for two weeks.
*Improv: Toilet paper
BRITTA: Now, why did Shannon think that the communist puppet theatre wouldn’t have any toilet paper?
KATHERINE: That is a question you’d have to ask Shannon.
BRITTA: And did the Communist puppet theatre have any toilet paper?
KATHERINE: In fact yes, they had lots.
BRITTA: What did you do with the all the toilet paper?
KATHERINE: I made a small side table out of it in my tent.
BRITTA: Incredibly resourceful!
KATHERINE: It was! It really pulled the tent together.
So I had a garbage bag full of toilet paper in one hand, and a tent in the other. I rode the 4 am train out of Brooklyn to Montpelier, Vermont, which is where the puppet people were supposed to pick us up in a school bus and drive us into the woods where their puppet headquarters lay.
I hadn’t really timed things out exactly so I had about 8 hours to kill. I knew that the puppet people were going to pick us up at one particular coffee shop in town but I didn’t think to write down the name. (Music in) I don’t know why I thought Montpelier would only have one coffee shop in it. It didn’t. It had many coffee shops. So I started going into every coffee shop to ask:
SONG: PUPPET PEOPLE
KATHERINE: IS THIS WHERE THE PUPPET PEOPLE GET PICKED UP?
BRITTA: HUH?
KATHERINE: GET PICKED UP
BRITTA: WHO?
KATHERINE: GET PICKED UP?
BRITTA: WHAT?
KATHERINE: IS THIS WHERE THE PUPPET PEOPLE GET PICKED UP?
BRITTA: NO!
KATHERINE: THEN I’LL BE ON MY WAY.
Two hours go by, and I’m carrying my duffle bag, and the tent and the huge garbage bag of toilet paper (that is slowly ripping), so every time I walk into a coffee shop, I have to throw each thing inside first and say:
KATHERINE: IS THIS THE PARTICULAR PATISSERIE WHERE PUPPET PEOPLE GET PICKED UP?
BRITTA: HUH?
KATHERINE: GET PICKED UP?
BRITTA: WHO?
KATHERINE: GET PICKED UP?
BRITTA: WHAT?
KATHERINE: IS THIS THE PARTICULAR PATISSERIE FOR PUPPETS-?
BRITTA: NO!
KATHERINE: THEN I’LL BE ON MY WAY.
So, hours have passed, and I’m delirious with hunger. I’m on the periphery of Montpelier, and a tumbleweed rolls by, and an old man looks at me and says, “Winter is coming!” and I burst through the doors of a lonely I, and say:
KATHERINE: PLEASE, IS THIS THE PARTICULAR PATISSERIE PRESERVED
FOR THE PUPPET PEOPLE PEACING TO THE PRETTY PLEASANT PINES
WHERE I’LL HAVE A PITY PARTY WHILE THE PALE MOON SHINES
ON MY PICTURE PERFECT PINKO PUPPET PARADISE?
BRITTA: WHA?
KATHERINE: IS THIS WHERE THE PUPPET PEOPLE GET PICKED UP?
GET PICKED UP?
GET PICKED UP?
IS THIS WHERE THE PUPPET PEOPLE GET PICKED UP?
BRITTA: HELL YEAH, MAMACITA!
(Katherine weeps with gratitude) Oh my god thank you!
KATHERINE: Then the puppet people came to take me away.
BRITTA: So Katherine, what did you learn about yourself at the communist puppet retreat?
I learned a lot about myself. The two main takeaways are that I do not thrive in communal living and that I don’t want to dress as a giant butterfly in a re-enactment of 9/11 using puppets in a field surrounded by people who haven’t bathed in 2 weeks.
(Music transition – Here I am)
KINDERGARTEN PEE TIME
KATHERINE: Hey Britta, have you ever lost control of a bodily function in public?
BRITTA: I mean- like–??/
KATHERINE: Me too. In kindergarten I peed my pants so I wouldn’t get lost looking for the bathroom. I weighed things out, rationally, I thought, and said to myself in my head, “no, peeing right here in this moment during story time would be better than getting lost forever.” I tested the hypothesis. (Britta plays ‘When I was young…’) “No, no actually I think getting lost is better than pee. Yup, yes, I see that now.”
My “best friend” Emily came up to me and pointed to a massive wet spot on the carpet. “Who did that?” I looked down at the carpet and then looked straight into her eyes. “I have no idea.”
And then I turned around and walked away with an enormous wet spot on my pants.
DYSLEXIA IS JUDAS?
(music in)
There’s a line in Jesus Christ Superstar where Judas says to Jesus, right before he goes to turn him in to the High Priest,
WHAT IF I JUST STAYED HERE AND RUINED YOUR AMBITION
CHRIST YOU DESERVE IT
And Jesus is like:
HURRY YOU FOOL
HURRY AND GO
SAVE ME YOUR SPEECHES I DON’T WANT TO KNOW – GO!
And Judas runs away in a big crowd of sheep.Dyslexia is Judas and I’m, like I guess that would make me Jesus.
WHAT IF YOU JUST STAYED HERE AND PEED ON THIS CARPET?
KATHERINE YOU DESERVE IT!
EVERY TIME I LOOK AT YOU I DON’T UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU LET THE THINGS YOU DO GET SO OUT OF HAND
YOU’D HAVE MANAGED BETTER IF YOU HAD IT PLANNED
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
DYSLEXIA OR ME OR BOTH?
(Britta plays “When I was Young” transition)
There is a long list of things I have done that live in this grey area between my personality and dyslexia and I can’t figure out if they are one and the same or separate dudes. When I moved to Montreal at 22, it seemed too difficult to organize getting a bed so I found an old denim gym mattress in the basement of the apartment and slept on it for 6 months. It was enormous and covered my entire floor and I would fall into the fold in the middle when I was sleeping.
BRITTA: Did you have sheets on it?
KATHERINE: No.
I mistook fabric softener for laundry detergent because I didn’t read the label and washed my clothes with it for a year. I wondered why all my clothes got holes in them and were never really clean. A friend pointed it out to me when I was trying to sell them on ‘this super cheap laundry detergent I discovered’.
BRITTA: Your clothes must have been soft though.
KATHERINE: Softer than… a sweet summer night.
And actually, around this same time as well, I ate party mix for dinner most nights. That definitely has nothing to do with dyslexia.
The Internet! Not good at using it. I find it really confusing and I don’t really understand how to download anything, or follow instructions online or find stuff out. Like using the internet for research? I don’t like it. Too many options and it’s overwhelming. How do you torrent? I don’t like it. (music in)There was one particular time when I was trying to sign up for classes for my first undergrad semester. The year was 2002. Things went south very quickly.
SONG: THE INTERNET
LET ME SET THE SCENE:
I HAVE JUST TURNED SEVENTEEN
I’M ABOUT TO MAKE A BRAND NEW START
ACCEPTED TO MCGILL
FEELING WONDERFUL UNTIL
I HAVE TO GO ONLINE
THEN I’M STARING AT A SCREEN
TRYING TO CLICK AND CHOOSE BETWEEN
DIFFERENT COURSES IN LIBERAL ART
I WAS A MESS FROM THE STRESS
THE WEB IS NOT A STRENGTH OF MINE
NOW AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE
WHENEVER I FELT STRIFE
I WOULD FEEL IT IN MY LOWER BOWEL
CAN’T SAY EXACTLY WHY
I’D HYPERVENTILATE AND CRY
AND THEN I’D GET THE SHITS
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT I SHOULD STOP
WHEN I FELT MY STOMACH DROP
OH I SHOULD HAVE THROWN IN THE TOWEL
BUT IT WAS DONE
I HAD TO RUN
IT WAS TIME FOR A BOWEL BLITZ
THEN I’M TRAPPED INSIDE THE BATHROOM DOWN THE HALL
TRYING TO YELL DIRECTIONS TO MY MOTHER THROUGH THE WALL
WHILE SHE SIGNED ME UP FOR CLASSES
I WAS SPEWING TOXIC GASSES
CAUSE THE INTERNET HAD MADE ME FALL
BY BEING ALL CLICK THIS CLICK THAT
OPEN UP A WINDOW
DOWNLOAD, TORRENT
BUT WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
AND IT’S ALWAYS ASK JEEVES, GOOGLE SILLY WORDS LIKE YAHOO
PASSWORD, CAPTCHA
BUT WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN…?
EVEN TO THIS DAY
THE WEB STILL HAS A WAY
OF MAKING ALL MY BLOOD RUN COLD
I CAN’T DOWNLOAD, I CAN’T STREAM
AND MY FRAGILE SELF ESTEEM CAN’T TAKE THE PAIN
SO DON’T SPEAK OF GOOGLE MAPS
OF YOUR YOUTUBE OR YOUR APPS
NOW THAT MY TALE’S BEEN TOLD
I’LL BE A MESS FROM THE STRESS
THE INTERNET MAKES ME INSANE
BY BEING ALL CLICK THIS CLICK THAT
OPEN UP A WINDOW
PASSWORD PASSWORD TRY AGAIN
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
OH GOD I HAVE SEVEN THOUSAND EMAILS
STILL UNOPENED HELP ME!
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
All I want to be is the kind of woman who can download season three of the Good Wife, or find out what time a movie’s playing…how do I buy tickets?
THE TERRORS OF TINDER
*Improv: Tinder
KATHERINE: Hey Britta, have you been on Tinder?
BRITTA: Who hasn’t?
KATHERINE: Did you like it?
BRITTA: No, it’s mostly pictures of men holding up fish that they’ve killed. Have you been on Tinder?
Yes, and I didn’t like it and I didn’t get any dates from it. In part I didn’t like it because I hate small talk, and I hate small talk with a total stranger over text even more.
BRITTA: Seems impossible if you don’t fish.
KATHERINE: What is there even to talk about?
Am I supposed to show that I am fun and flirty??? Because I’m not. Am I supposed to seem cool? I don’t know what you people out there have gleaned from these stories so far but I am categorically not cool. To me, Tinder feels like I’m at a middle school dance and a slow song comes on (Britta plays ‘All My Life’) and rather than troll the periphery of the dance floor sort of wanting someone to ask me to dance but also dreading it completely, I would rather hide in the bathroom and wait for “All My Life” by K-Ci and JoJo to be over. (Britta sings ‘All My Life’) When I was at those dances, my secret desire was that someone would notice me dancing in a really funny way with my group of friends and recognize my whimsy and sense of humor through my dance moves, come over and say “Hey I saw your dancing, you are a hilarious dancer and seem like you like to joke around, want to dance?” and I would be like “yes, you obviously understand me! We can be weird together!!!” That never happened. (music out)
Sometimes Tinder made me laugh though. I found this dude on there that called himself Grime.
BRITTA: Grime?
KATHERINE: Grime.
I thought this was ridiculous so I took a more in-depth look at his profile. He wrote, “My name is Mike, Grime is an inside thing.” And then, among his various interests he listed “Dobermans and Nutella.” (music in) I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not but I thought if he was joking, then he would be a perfect match for me.
SONG: DOBERMANS AND NUTELLA
NAME: GRIME
ACTUALLY, IT’S MIKE BUT GRIME IS AN INSIDE JOKE
(I LIKE TO JOKE AROUND WITH MY FRIENDS)
AGE: TWENTY-SEVEN
GOING ON FORTY IN EMOTIONAL MATURITY (HA-HA)
THIS BABY THAT I’M HOLDING IS NOT MY KID
BUT IF IT MAKES YOU TRUST ME LIKE I THINK IT DID
SCROLL DOWN READ ON
THERE’S LOTS TO LEARN ABOUT ME
DOBERMANS AND NUTELLA
THOSE ARE TWO THINGS I LIKE
DOBERMANS AND NUTELLA
DID I MENTION THAT MY NAME IS MIKE?
ONE OF THEM IS VICIOUS
ONE OF THEM’S DELICIOUS
BOTH OF WHICH I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT
DOBERMANS AND NUTELLA
THAT’S WHAT I’M ALL ABOUT
GIRL, I CAN GUESS WHAT YOU’RE THINKING
I CAN READ YOUR MIND AND WHAT YOU’RE THINKING IS
WHAT’S THIS GUY’S GAME?
(I’M A MYSTERY!)
HOW COULD ONE PERSON HAVE INTERESTS
SO VAST, SO ECLECTIC, SO ENTIRELY NOT THE SAME?
(I’M A PARADOX!)
BUT BABY, I’M A COMPLICATED KIND OF GUY
TO MISREPRESENT MYSELF WOULD BE A LIE
SO SIT BACK AND RELAX
JUST TRY TO TAKE IT ALL IN
DOBERMANS AND NUTELLA
DO YOU WANNA GET TOGETHER FOR A DRINK?
DOBERMANS AND NUTELLA
HOW’S TUESDAY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
GIRL, YOU’RE NOT REVEALING
WHAT IT IS YOU’RE FEELING
I’D REALLY LIKE TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE
DOBERMANS AND NUTELLA
I’LL BE SITTING AT THE BAR
“Girl, I’m so glad I could finally meet you. I’ve been waiting for this moment. I feel like you already know so much about me. My name. My interests. Why don’t you tell me what you’re into?”
“Well, thank you for asking. I don’t have too many interests, just a few, like Jesus Christ Superstar, Victorian England, ancient healing wisdoms, fuzzy caterpillars…”
SECOND TEMPLE JUDAISM IS ALSO AN INTEREST OF MINE
AND KOREAN STATIONERY
MY FAVOURITE FLOWER IS THE DANDELION
I ALSO LIKE SOME DINOSAURS
SOME OF THEM, NOT ALL
THE PROCESS OF MUMMIFICATION
THE HISTORY OF ST. PAUL
MY FAVOURITE PLANET’S SATURN
LIKE YOU, I HAVE NO PATTERN
IN MY INTERESTS AND THE THINGS THAT I DO
DOBERMANS AND NUTELLA
SEEM PRETTY COOL TOO
“Cool. I gotta go. I gotta walk my dog. He’s a Doberman.”
ADVENTURES WITH EDWIN AND FORSWYTH
BRITTA: So it didn’t work out with Grime then?
KATHERINE: No, sometimes reality is so much more disappointing than whatever happens in my head.
When I was little I would tend to live in my head a lot because that was easier than having to face reality. Daydreaming about adventures doesn’t take planning; you just go on them. You just fly away, or get on a sailing ship or shrink to tiny inside a school bus and wind up inside a large intestine.
When I was 9, I used to write these stories about a koala bear named Edwin and a rabbit named Forswyth. I actually brought the book with me.
*Improv: A.A. Milne
BRITTA: The illustrations are very good. I wish everyone at home could see them.
KATHERINE: Me to.
BRITTA: Were you reading a lot of Winnie the Pooh at the time?
KATHERINE: I was. The style was heavily influenced by A.A. Milne.
Edwin and Forswyth would have all kinds of adventures in the forest together and learned many lessons about what it means to live a good life. They are both very kind animals who like to bumble around with their friends. Sometimes they get into some sticky situations. Edwin is constantly getting lost in the enchanted forest and unfortunately for him, I never finished the book, so he is currently still lost in the forest at the end of chapter 4 waiting for a rescue team of his friends and family to come and save him.
Music Transition (When I was Young)
PETER DYAKOWSKI IS CANADA’S SMARTEST PERSON?
My screen time has gone way up since the start of the ye olde pandy, and I was on the internet recently which naturally involved me visiting Peter Dyakowski’s Facebook profile. And his Wikipedia page. And I added him on twitter. I am not friends with him so I guess this counts as stalking. Peter has done really well for himself actually. In fact he used to play for the CFL and was the offensive lineman for the Hamilton Tigercats. Good for him. I don’t know what offensive lineman people do but that sounds really nice. Also, he was once on the TV show Canada’s Smartest Person. And he won. (Britta plays “Peter Dyakowski won”) Peter Dyakowski is Canada’s Smartest Person. HOW? I watched some of the show it makes no sense, there is one segment where he is just moving blocks across a room. HOW DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH BEING SMART? I could move blocks around a room no problem.
Canada’s. Smartest. Person.
ROLE MODEL
One day last year I decided I wanted to be a role model to other dyslexic kids, so I decided to volunteer at this special dyslexic school. I didn’t really know what I was going to do because it’s not like I could help the kids with their homework or anything, like I’m bad at the same stuff they’re bad at. I think I was just hoping to be like, “Don’t worry kids! It doesn’t matter in the end, look at me I’m successful…right?” And they would hug me and be like, “We love you Katherine, thank you for your wisdom!” “Good job moving those blocks around!” and then the teacher would be like, “What an inspiration you are!”
I ended up getting very drunk the night before – it wasn’t my intention, it just happened. So I showed up to the school the next day profoundly hungover.
I didn’t really know what to do with myself for the entire day and I just kind of sat in the corner of the room like a creep and watched these kids learn stuff in a special dyslexic way.
At some point in the afternoon I watched a little boy have a private tutorial with a teacher to help him with his math homework. And I just could not handle it. He couldn’t sit still while he did it, he had to stand because he was super frustrated. And, he was waving this pipe cleaner around like a magic wand and I was like I have to get out of here to cry, because, this child is me. This child is me.
IT’S HARD TO MAKE YOURSELF DISAPPEAR
I used to sit with a pit in my stomach at school for most of the day. In those really early years, around ages 6, 7, and 8, my mum would have to leave early in the mornings to drive me to school because I would cry. I would cry the whole way to school most mornings because I was so scared of getting in trouble for not understanding my schoolwork, and I felt so confused, so stupid. We needed extra time each morning so that I would calm down. This fear of getting in trouble started pretty early, it was grade 1, with a teacher named Madam Vasson. She had a reputation for getting super angry, and I felt like I was always walking on eggshells waiting for her next blow up.
I don’t remember this time very well, but I do remember she would freak out at me a lot. And there was one time in particular where she just like, lost it and she – I came up to show her this math homework I had done, and I didn’t know any of the answers, and I was so scared, and we’d have to line up and it got to me, and she took my book and she just started ripping the pages out and she was ripping them out in front of the class and she was just screaming at me, calling me lazy and stupid, and I was like, six! And she told me to go sit in front of the class and not to talk to anybody. That nobody in the class should talk to me. And I remember sitting there, and this little girl, this other girl in the class said “You shouldn’t make her so mad” and I was like, “don’t talk to me you’re not allowed to talk to me”. She’s like “Don’t make her so mad.”
THE LEARNING DISABILITIES CENTRE
From grade 6 until grade 11, every single math class and French class I would have to get up in front of everybody, leave the classroom and go to the Learning Disabilities Centre. I hated this. I would either leave class by myself, or sometimes a teacher would come and get me. Either case it was humiliating. I remember one time in grade 6 this girl beside me once said as I was getting up to go, “I wish I was retarded like you so that I could leave during math.”
NIGHTMARES IN MATH
Have you ever wanted to take your math textbook and smash the heads of all the smart kids in your class until the room fills with their blood?
Math was never really something I sorted out.
Even up until the end of high school it was kind of a nightmare. An hour-long math test would take me 6 to 8 hours to complete, and even then, I usually failed or barely passed. My teacher would just give me the test in chunks rather than all at once and I would stay after school in the Learning Disabilities Centre for several hours over the course of 2 or 3 days. It was a marathon of frustration.
I spent a lot of time in the Learning Disabilities room thinking I was some kind of loser, but I used to write so many stories that were – at least mediocre, sometimes actually quite cute. Like Edwin and Forswyth who had adventures in the forest and who were really quite civilized animals who had lots to say about nature and ideas and friendship but instead of working on my stories I was doing my times tables and hating myself. WHY BOTHER TEACHING ME THAT IF I DON’T GET IT?
I had this one math teacher – OH MY GOD. She was a Learning Disabilities Centre teacher and every time I would get an answer wrong (which was often) she would erase it and just say “No, no, no, no, no” over and over. EVERY TIME. It would kill me. I had so many fantasies of holding her face in my hands and screaming directly into her soul to stop.
(Britta plays ‘When I was young…’)
I CAN’T DO IT
There is an image that plays for me over and over. It’s a memory that has hardened like resin in a little container in the back of my mind. It is grade 12, I am in the Learning Disabilities Centre, and I am taking the last math test I will ever have to take. I am graduating, I am leaving. There is a young boy sitting diagonally from me. He must be 13 or 14. He has a bowl haircut, which accentuates the roundness of his face. He wears a turtleneck. He reminds me of a little mushroom. He is not one of the cool kids.
He is sobbing. Almost out of control, he sobs over a sheet of paper, a test of some sort, yelling, “I can’t do it! I can’t do it! I can’t do it!” Two supply teachers try and calm him down but he won’t be contained.
He can’t do it.
I look at the clock on the wall and watch my time in the Learning Disabilities Centre start to dwindle, and I wonder if part of my identity will fade. I wonder if it will get locked in the basement of my school only to visit throughout the years like a ghost. Or a dream. A morbid looking brain knocking at my door at night…massive numbers made of foam like on Sesame Street except these ones have fangs and have knives sticking out of their belly buttons or something..I replace these weirdo images in my mind with something more appealing. Visions of myself owning a car and driving around to very important meetings, always looking awesome and always getting A’s because that’s what life will be like without math tests and spelling and the Learning Disabilities Centre. Cool Girl: The Musical.
“I can’t do it I can’t do it I can’t do it”. And he keeps interrupting my fantasy of future perfection.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A NICE SMOOTH PERSONALITY
Do you know that on my high school graduation ceremony, I was so pretentious that I brought The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath and pretended to read it out of sheer boredom for my own graduation from high school? That is DISGUSTING. “I am so misunderstood that only the masochism of Sylvia Plath can help me endure this pitiful display of human accomplishment.” Like why couldn’t you just admit that it meant something to you to graduate from high school??? And yes, sometimes I am really frustrated that I need to ask my brother to come with me to the corner store or drive to the airport because I’m scared I’ll get lost. I hate, hate, hate getting lost. If it is possible for a woman in her thirties to throw a tantrum, then this is what I am on the brink of doing every single time I get lost. It makes me feel like I am forever shackled to a hapless eight-year old version of myself that I wish would grow up already.
GETTING LOST
When I was little, I would get lost walking home from my friend Dani’s house who lived NEXT DOOR because I couldn’t tell if my house was my house or not. I would look at it for a while, like really studying it, and then I would go, “I don’t think that’s it”, and I would walk down the street looking for it and obviously not finding it. So coming home from Dani’s house would take me quite a while and sometimes my mum would have to come look for me and walk me home.
She told Dani’s mom to walk me home but of course, her mom just thought my mom was being overprotective. So she wouldn’t. I was not able to say, due to embarrassment, that I really couldn’t find my own house so I just kind of agreed to get lost.
THE GETTING LOST SHIRT
One time I was drinking grape juice with Dani. She bumped into me, and it made me to spill my grape juice all over my shirt and on her kitchen floor. Her mom got so mad at me even though it wasn’t my fault. She yelled at me and told me to get out of her house, Dani’s house, and there is a long hedge of dense plants that her older brother sometimes sticks garbage into instead of just throwing it away and I hate that because it is really mean to the plant. It’s really mean to force a plant to be a trashcan.
And I don’t know if I should turn left or right and I choose right but it’s not the right way. (music in) I am running down the street and the grape juice is drying on my favorite shirt that has a dancing banana on it who is wearing cool-dude shades. I am sad this shirt is stained and now it is a getting lost shirt.
SONG: WHAT IF I NEVER FIND MY WAY
SO I RUN OUT OF DANI’S HOUSE
HER HOUSE IS BIG AND IT IS BROWN
I SEE THE TREE IN HER YARD
I LOOK UP AND I LOOK DOWN
AND I LOOK LEFT AND I LOOK RIGHT
BUT I’M NOT SURE ABOUT THE WAY
I KNOW MY HOUSE IS BLUE AND WHITE
AND THAT THE FENCE IS KIND OF GREY
BUT I DON’T KNOW WHICH WAY TO TURN
OR HOW FAR I HAVE TO WALK
I FEEL MY EYES START TO BURN
AS I LOOK UP AND DOWN THE BLOCK
WHAT IF I NEVER FIND MY WAY?
WHAT IF I NEVER FIND MY WAY?
WHAT IF I NEVER FIND MY WAY?
SO THEN I START TO RUN
BUT ALL THE HOUSES LOOK THE SAME
I FEEL THE HEAT OF THE SUN
I FEEL THE HEAT OF THE SHAME
BECAUSE I DON’T LIVE VERY FAR
AND I SHOULD REALLY KNOW THE WAY
I KNOW MY HOUSE IS BLUE AND WHITE
AND THAT THE FENCE IS KIND OF GREY
BUT I DON’T RECOGNIZE THIS STREET
I DON’T RECOGNIZE THIS PLACE
BUT I CAN’T SEEM TO STOP MY FEET
IT’S LIKE I’M RUNNING IN A RACE
WHAT IF I NEVER FIND MY WAY?
WHAT IF I NEVER FIND MY WAY?
WHAT IF I NEVER FIND MY WAY?
WHAT IF I’VE RUINED THIS SHIRT?
WHAT IF THIS JUICE LEAVES A STAIN?
AND THE BANANA THAT I LOVE
WILL JUST REMIND ME OF THE PAIN
AND OF GETTING LOST AGAIN
I’M ALWAYS GETTING LOST AGAIN
I’M ALWAYS GETTING LOST AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN
AND I THOUGHT I SAW MY HOUSE
BUT IT DIDN’T HAVE THE BLUE
NORMAL PEOPLE KNOW THEIR HOUSE
THEY DON’T NEED A STUPID CLUE
WHAT IF I NEVER FIND MY WAY?
WHAT IF I NEVER FIND MY WAY ?
WHAT IF I NEVER FIND MY WAY?
WHAT IF I JUST TOOK IT OUT
LIKE A TUMOR IN MY BRAIN
WOULD I FINALLY MEASURE UP?
AND WOULD MY SHIRT STILL HAVE A STAIN?
AND WOULD MY MOTHER HAVE TO WAIT?
AND WOULD I ALWAYS KNOW THE WAY?
AND WOULD I STOP BEING LATE?
AND WOULD I KNOW WHAT TO SAY?
WHAT IF I JUST TOOK IT OUT
LIKE A TUMOUR IN MY HEAD
LIKE THE TUMOUR THAT IT IS
I’D HAVE A NORMAL BRAIN INSTEAD
WHAT IF I JUST TOOK IT OUT?
WHAT IF I JUST TOOK IT OUT?
WHAT IF I JUST TOOK IT OUT?
TAKE IT OUT
TAKE IT OUT
TAKE IT OUT
TAKE IT OUT
(PAUSE)
I am not good. I am not good.
I had a Great-Uncle, his name was Colby. He lived in a home – a home for people with mental illness. We would visit Colby once a month and take him out for pie and ice cream. For years I could never figure out what was wrong with Colby until I finally asked my Dad who told me that when Colby was in his late twenties, he had been lobotomized. No one knew what was wrong with him entirely but he had some emotional problems, which deepened after he fought in WW2. Obviously. So my great-grandparents arranged to have him lobotomized against his will. He was an artist, a very very good painter and I don’t know that he painted much after the lobotomy.
The last pie and ice cream we had with him before he died he finally talked about it. He said, “I didn’t want it but they cut it out of me. It hurt so much, they took it out of me and I didn’t want them to.”
SONG: COLBY’S REQUIEM
I HAD DARKNESS IN MY MIND IN MY BONES AND IN MY HEART.
AND THE DOCTOR SAID WE’D FIND IT IF WE TOOK MY HEAD APART
TAKE OUT THE PIECE THAT’S MESSY
REMOVE THE PART THAT’S SAD
WHO WOULD EVER MISS THE BIT THAT’S DIFFICULT AND BAD?
WE WANT IT GONE, GONE, GONE
LET’S MAKE IT GONE, GONE, GONE.
SO THEY OPENED UP MY HEAD AND THEY FOUND THE UGLY BIT
THE PART THE DOCTOR SAID HAD MADE IT HARD FOR ME TO FIT
HE HAD POKED AND HE HAD PRODDED.
HE SEARCHED MY HEAD ALL DAY
TILL HE FOUND WHAT HE WAS AFTER
AND HE TOOK THE PIECE AWAY
AND NOW IT’S GONE, GONE, GONE
GONE, GONE, GONE.
AND THE DARKNESS DISAPPEARED BECAUSE THE DOCTOR, HE WAS RIGHT
BUT IT SEEMS WITHOUT THE DARK THERE ALSO ISN’T ANY LIGHT
THE PART THAT WAS MESSY WAS A PART THAT MADE ME WHOLE
AND THE PART THAT WAS SAD WAS STILL A PART OF MY SOUL
AND NOW IT’S GONE GONE GONE
GONE GONE GONE
NOW I AM GONE GONE GONE
GONE GONE GONE.
(KATHERINE sighs and steps away from mic)
READ THIS STORY TO BECOME YOUNG AGAIN AND FREE
BRITTA: Um… Ok. I’m gonna read you all something that I think is amazing. You’ll probably think it’s amazing too. It’s called “The Tales of Edwin and Forswyth” by Katherine Cullen, age 9”
Page one: “As an introduction I will start to explain my two very good friends who are in this story. Their names are Edwin and Forswyth. Edwin is a gullible Koala and Forswyth is a stupid Rabbit who thinks he is smart. Along with them and their many other animal friends, we will go into a world much greater than ours. We will go deep into the enchanted forest and find out just what kind of animals they are. So do not read this story to become sophisticated, for this is not a sophisticated story. Read this story to become young again and free.”
SONG: EDWIN AND FORSWYTH – VOICE OF A GENERATION (DON’T GIVE UP!)
BRITTA: (as EDWIN) Hey psst.Katherine! It’s me, Edwin.
KATHERINE: Edwin??
BRITTA: Yes, Edwin, your rabbit friend!
KATHERINE: Edwin is the koala…
BRITTA: Ah, right…Your koala friend.
KATHERINE: What are you doing here?
BRITTA: I’m here to tell you… Don’t give up.
WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD
IT WAS HARD FOR YOU TO BELONG
YOU THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE ALWAYS WRONG
YOU WERE FEELING LOW
BUT NOW YOU’VE GROWN
YOU’VE PROVED YOU’RE BRAVE AND YOU ARE STRONG
WE KNOW THE JOURNEY HAS BEEN LONG
BUT THERE’S MORE TO GO
HEY, LOOK AT ME, I’M A TORONTO KOALA
I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO SURVIVE THE COLD
BUT I DO
YOU GOTTA LIVE OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE
EVEN WHEN YOU ARE FEELING ALL ALONE
YOU’VE GOT YOUR PEN AND YOUR IMAGINATION
AND THERE’S A FIRE INSIDE OF YOU
SO DON’T GIVE UP
‘CAUSE YOU GOT A STORY
YOU GOT A SONG IN YOUR DYSLEXIC HEART
AND YOU GOT A DREAM
DON’T GIVE UP
‘CAUSE YOU’RE GONNA MAKE IT
AND YOU HAVE AN ENTERPRISING KOALA ON YOUR TEAM
DON’T GIVE UP!
KATHERINE: (as FORSWYTH) Move over, Edwin. It’s my turn.
(as KATHERINE) Forswyth, you’re here too?
(as FORSWYTH) Of course I am, Katherine. I’ve always been (pointing at her heart) right here.
WE ALL FACE A TIME,
WHEN WE NEED TO GROW TO MOVE FORWARD
AND BY GROW, I MEAN EMOTIONALLY NOT PHYSICALLY.
DON’T YOU REALIZE,
DRAMATURGICALLY AT THIS POINT IN THE SHOW
IT MAKES SENSE YOU’RE FEELING LOW
BUT WE CAN HELP YOU GROW.
AS A RABBIT IT WAS HARD TO LEARN ENGLISH
BUT I DID IT TO SING THIS PART JUST FOR YOU.
JUST ‘CAUSE IT’S HARD DON’T MAKE IT WRONG
YOU STILL DESERVE TO SING YOUR SONG
YOU’VE GOT AN AUDIENCE OF PAYING PATRONS
AND THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH
SO DON’T GIVE UP
BRITTA: DON’T GIVE UP
KATHERINE: ‘CAUSE YOU GOT A STORY
BRITTA: YOU GOT A STORY
KATHERINE: YOU GOT A SONG IN YOUR DYSLEXIC HEART
AND YOU’VE GOT A DREAM
BRITTA: YOU GOT A DREAM
TOGETHER: DON’T GIVE UP
THOUGH THE FOREST IS DARK AT NIGHT
DON’T LET YOUR FEAR GET IN THE WAY OF THE FIGHT
YOU GOTTA RISK TO WIN
YOU GOTTA THICKEN YOUR SKIN
YOU GOTTA TRY
BRITTA
(With KATH
Improvising): SO DON’T GIVE UP
‘CAUSE YOU GOT A STORY
YOU GOT A SONG IN YOUR DYSLEXIC HEART
AND YOU GOT A DREAM
DON’T GIVE UP
YOU’RE GONNA MAKE IT
AND YOU HAVE AN ENTERPRISING KOALA ON YOUR TEAM
TOGETHER: WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD
IT WAS HARD FOR YOU TO BELONG
YOU THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE ALWAYS WRONG
BUT STAY STRONG
DON’T GIVE UP
THE WIND
Despite Peter Dyakowski’s controversial poetry contest win back in ’93, it turns out he did not become a poet. The poem I wrote in grade three is called The Wind. It’s pretty short and doesn’t rhyme but I still remember it:
THE WIND
the wind blows in my face
it moves my hair
and when I go to the seashore and the sky begins to sunset it cools down
then late at night it stops
Suck on that Dyakowski.
(“When I was Young” intro)
SONG: FINALE
KATHERINE: SO I GUESS YOU’RE STILL AROUND AND IT’S THE END OF THE SHOW
BOTH: HOO HOO
KATHERINE: MAYBE YOU ENJOYED IT OR MAYBE YOU HAD NOWHERE TO GO
BOTH: HOO HOO
KATHERINE: OR MAYBE YOU KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE
TO STRUGGLE WITH MATH
TO TAKE THE WRONG PATH
TO PEE ON THE FLOOR
MAYBE NOT THAT EXACTLY BUT AT LEAST YOU GET THE METAPHOR
I THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD WANT A SHOW THAT WAS ABOUT SUCCESS
BOTH: HOO HOO
KATHERINE: SO I TRIED TO WRITE AN ENDING THAT WOULD SAY I’VE MADE IT THROUGH THE MESS
BOTH: HOO HOO
KATHERINE: THE TRUTH IS I DON’T WANT TO TELL YOU
THAT I FIGURED IT OUT
THAT I KNOW ALL ABOUT
ALL THE RULES TO THE GAME
BUT I HAD TO SING YOU SOMETHING SO YOU LEFT HERE FEELING GLAD YOU CAME.
AND THE ANSWER CHANGES BUT THE QUESTION ALWAYS STAYS THE SAME.
WHAT IF I NEVER FIND MY WAY?
WHAT IF I NEVER FIND MY WAY?
WHAT IF I NEVER FIND MY WAY?
I’LL LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER DAY
WHAT IF I NEVER FIND MY WAY?
WHAT IF I NEVER FIND MY WAY?
AND IF WE NEVER FIND THE WAY
WE’LL LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER DAY
(Britta plays Jesus Christ Superstar x4; KATHERINE thanks our listeners!)
We have reached the end of our show and I would like to say a huge thank you to Britta Johnson for her amazing songs and music, our stage manager Meghan Speakman, out audio engineer Adam Sakiyama, our director Aaron Willis, our designers Anahita Dehbonehie and Jennifer Lennon, our Associate Producer Colin Doyle, and everyone at Outside the March. Thank you all for listening!
KATHERINE: WHAT IF I NEVER FIND MY WAY
BRITTA: DON’T GIVE UP
KATHERINE: WHAT IF I NEVER FIND MY WAY
BRITTA: ‘CAUSE YOU GOT A STORY
KATHERINE: WHAT IF I NEVER FIND MY WAY
BRITTA: DON’T GIVE UP
KATHERINE: I’LL LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER DAY
BRITTA: ‘CAUSE YOU GOT A STORY
KATHERINE: WHAT IF I NEVER FIND MY WAY
BOTH: DON’T GIVE UP!
END